PARENTING THROUGH DIVORCE
- Do remember that children are not miniature adults.
- Don't stop parenting because you're going through major changes. Your child needs you to be a parent.
- Don't make your child your confidant, spy, or in-house therapist.
- Do keep divorce the business of adults.
- Do share information that is relevant to them.
- Do watch what you say about their father. Everything you say to your children about their father will be dealt with as part of themselves.
WHAT YOU MAY BE FEELING
- Don't make any long-term commitments right away
- Don't expect a brand-new normal life overnight.
- Don't underestimate all you have to offer.
PREPARING FOR DIVORCE
- Be careful about making major financial and career decisions, especially if you're not certain that you are getting divorced.
- Remove your name from any joint credit card accounts, and notify credit card companies in writing that you will no longer be responsible for charges made on them.
- Make a list of everything in your home. Better yet, take photographs or make videotape of your possessions.
- Open a checking account in your own name. Apply for credit cards in you own name.
- Do not cosign any loan with your husband.
- Consider what will happen to your health insurance if you divorce. Find out what your rights are in case of divorce.
WHEN HE THREATENS TO TAKE THE KIDS
- Many husbands will demand custody as a tactic. These men and their attorneys know that losing custody of your child is your worst fear.
- This is the kind of situation you are paying your attorney to handle.
ESTABLISH AN OPERATING BUDGET
- It's critical to find out how much money you owe and how much you are spending to establish an operating budget.
- A weekly or monthly basis/
- Begin by keeping track to the penny of all the money you spend in one week, including that vending machine purchase or other small change outlay.
- List all of your income on the opposite side of the page so you can get a clear picture of your financial situation.
COPING TOOLS FOR DEALING WITH ANGER
- Learn how to communicate your anger in nonjudgmental ways. In other words, rather than telling a child who has misbehaved that ?I?ll wring your neck? or ?You are a rotten kid for doing that,? try saying that 'this has made me very mad? or ?I don't like what you are doing right now.?
- Put your child in a time-out chair or send older school-age kids to their rooms or a special time-out place. For toddlers and preschool children experts advise estimating about one minute in time-out for each year of their age.
- Don't return hurtful feelings by saying ?If I die, no one will care for you? after your child may have screamed ?I hate you, I hope you die!? All children get these feelings every now an then. Remember, it's okay for your child to have feelings of anger, rage, and ?hate,? but it is not okay to express those feelings with physical violence or abusive words.
- If your child really needs to ?feel those feelings,? put her in a safe place-her room, a play area, or a 'tantrum tent? (made by throwing a sheet over a couple of pieces of soft furniture). Explain that she can grovel on the floor like a wild thing if she wishes, but you prefer not to watch. Never strike or punish your child for having feelings.
- Encourage your child to take a run around the block, do jumping jacks, or throw a ball against the side of the house. These are coping strategies that he will be able to use both now and in the years to come to handle negative feelings appropriately.
THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF DISCIPLINE
- The punishment should fit the crime and should not change or be arbitrary
- Do try to remember the benefits of single parenting, particularly if you came from a volatile household where you spent much time arguing. Don't continue this communication style with your child. Instead, teach negotiating skills and be grateful for the peace that you?ve acquired.
- If you're stressed out, things will seem worse than they really are.
DO'S AND DON'TS FOR WIDOWED MOTHERS
- Do treasure your memories of your husband and allow your children to do the same.
- Do make new happy memories together as a family. You cannot keep your home as a shrine to your late husband or celebrate every holiday in his memory.
- Do reassure your child that no angry thought or deed can cause someone to die. People die because they were sick, or injured, or because they got old, but never because of an angry thought or heated words.
IS YOUR CHILD READY FOR UNSUPERVISED SELF-CARE
- American Academy of Pediatrics recommends adult supervision for children until they are eleven or twelve years old.
ALL ABOUT CHILD SUPPORT
- Child support and visitation are separate issues. The children's father is entitled to visitation, and you cannot legally withhold visitation.
HOW IS THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT DETERMINED
- Every state has guidelines for determining the amount of child support to be awarded. When granting support, the judge refers to these guidelines, which take into account the income of each parent and various other factors.
IF YOU NEED HELP
- You may need to get in touch with the federal government. Title IV-D of the Social Security Act passed in 1975 established a local IV-D child support agency in every state in the union. These local IV-D agencies are federally funded and must help you collect child support if your children are under eighteen or if you apply for help before your child reaches eighteen years of age.
- Child Support Enforcement Office
- IV-D agencies can also enforce court orders though wage withholding, contempt proceedings, judgments, and liens.
WHAT ABOUT GETTING AN ATTORNEY
- All the IV-D agencies have attorneys who provide services for child support matters. There are no income eligibility requirements.
- You will need to be organized and active in keeping your case moving forward.
- Representing yourself or appearing pro se may seem like a good idea. Your have control on actions taken or not taken and can be sure that paperwork is filed in a timely manner. You will not know all the legal ins and outs and may miss opportunities to place in evidence key information.
WHEN HIS WAGES ARE OFF THE BOOKS
- You can arrange through your IV-D agency or private attorney to do a credit check to determine his assets.
- You can also obtain a seek-work order.
WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT CUSTODY AND COPARENTING
JOINT CUSTODY
- Joint custody means the child's mother and father (or legal guardian) share decision-making and responsibility for a minor child's life. Most commonly, one parent, usually the mother, retains physical custody of the children, living with the children most of the week, while the other has visitation rights.
- Joint custody is complicated.
- Joint custody is whatever is agreed upon at the time the papers are drawn up.
SHARED PHYSICAL CUSTODY
- Shared physical custody means that each parent has equal physical responsibility and access to the children. Neither parent receives child support because each is paying for the care of the children.
SOLE CUSTODY
- Sole custody with generous visitation is usually the ideal solution.
TEMPORARY CUSTODY
- Temporary custody is sometimes given to one parent or other custodian during an unresolved divorce or when further investigation is warranted to determine custody.
VISITATION
- Visitation is almost allowed for the noncustodial parent except under the most dangerous circumstances.
SUPERVISED VISITATION
- If you suspect abuse or worry that the father abuses alcohol or drugs, you can request that the court recommend supervised visitation.
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR EX BAD-MOUTHS YOU TO YOUR KIDS
- Say something like ?I am sorry to hear that Daddy feels that way?
- OR ?I?ve noticed that people who bad-mouth other people usually feel bad about themselves. I am sorry your father is feeling this way.?
- Employ nonemotional responses. Your children will lose interest in reporting these remarks to you.
- Never bad mouth him back.
- Let him know that his words do hurt you but do hurt the children very much.
GETTING YOUR CAREER BACK ON TRACK
- Work full-time with modified hours.
- Work at home. With the advances in telecommunications, working at home is a very viable option. If you have skills such as sewing, writing, illustration, or hairstyling, working at home may be just the solution for you.
- Take classes if you need to develop new skills. Your local community college most likely will have courses discussing the latest business trends and computer training, no matter what your level of skill.
BE A MEDICAL TRANSCRIPTIONIST
- A medical transcriptionist takes the notes doctors dictate after performing operations or examinations and transcribes them to the written word. Typically, training takes about six months part-time. After completing the program, a medical transcriptionist is able either to set up shop at home with her own computer and printer or to work in a physician's office or hospital. The hours can be flexible, and the pay is quite decent to start. Medical transcription is needed everywhere, and jobs are plentiful.
DON'T IGNORE THE OPPORTUNITIES
- Sign up for a series of special training seminars at work, take a night course to learn to appraise antiques, get your real estate broker's license, or take correspondence courses.
- You're not too old to start.
- General Educational Development (GED)
EARNING COLLEGE CREDIT FOR LIFE EXPERIENCE
- College Level Examination Program (CLEP)
- Defense Activity for Non-Traditional Education Support (DANTES)
- Certificate Programs ? anywhere from a couple of weeks to two years, depending upon what coursework is required.
HOW WILL I PAY FOR THIS
- The biggest sources of financial aid are the state and federal government as well as the colleges, universities, and other types of schools themselves. When you apply for admission to the school of your choice, you must also apply for financial aid.
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